I'm Still Alive

It seems to get longer between updates, but I've been keeping busy and staying the course. I'm still on my weight loss journey, so let's get right to the updates.

Weight Loss Progress

Since I began my weight loss journey, I have lost 74 pounds as of today. As a reminder, I started at 245 pounds. I've said this before, but the key has been to not push too hard too fast. If I strive for perfection, I will most certainly fail. Some months I'm more focused on the diet and exercise, and other months I'm just living life (or dealing with what it's throwing at me). I don't think when I started that I ever thought I'd lose over 70 pounds , let alone aim for quite a bit more. Right now, I'm looking at about another 30 or so pounds I want to lose, and I'm sure it will be the hardest ones of all to lose. Insane to think I can maybe lose over 100 pounds.

The journey hasn’t always been easy, but every pound lost is a step toward a healthier, stronger me. I haven't been taking progress pictures and I rarely have full body pictures, so this picture in my pride parade outfit will have to do, to see what I look like now. ;)

ADHD

Earlier this year, I was officially diagnosed with ADHD. For years, I thought my anxiety and depression were separate issues. Now I realize that much of what I struggled with was ADHD showing up in ways I didn’t recognize.

Talking about it has helped me process the diagnosis and understand how my brain works. It has also helped the people close to me understand why I may:

• Have 100 thoughts going at once

• Lose my point halfway through a story

• Interrupt before a thought disappears

• Ramble or include too many side stories

• Feel overwhelmed or react strongly

• Struggle to ask for help

  
  

I don’t mention ADHD to make excuses or avoid accountability. Recognizing when ADHD is affecting a situation is how I begin to understand it, learn from it and figure out what I can do differently next time.

A diagnosis can bring better tools and support, but it can also bring guilt, regret and a lot of “fucking ADHD” moments. You start looking back at your life, choices and relationships through an entirely different lens.

The most meaningful part has been having people genuinely try to understand what happens in my head. Whether they help me talk something through or find a different way to approach a task, that support makes a bigger difference than they probably realize.

Health Updates

My recent MRI came back clear, which was a huge relief. I get scanxiety pretty bad, but this one was better than last year. My next mammogram will be in November. I'm continuing on my Anastrazole (hormone therapy) and having my occasional oncology appointments, but it's feeling a lot less overwhelming. Overall, pretty boring update there for me which is good.

Graduation Party

Finding Courage in Fear

May will likely be my least favorite month of every year. This years May was yet again grueling to get through. I have the death anniversaries of Ryan and my dad both in the 2nd half of the month. Lots of "what ifs" go through my head. A lot of "i wish" thoughts pop into my head. As soon as I got through the anniversaries, we had my son’s high school graduation, then his 18th birthday, and then his graduation party. I did ok through most of May until I got to the graduation. It was so bittersweet. I was so happy for my son, but was so sad and empty, wishing Ryan was here with us to see it all and sit with us. It's those kinds of moments you talk about when you're about to have a kid. You talk about the hopes and dreams you have for them. You have the moments you know will come, like graduation and birthdays and college. Ryan and I had talked about all of it. I can't think too long about Ryan in the middle of those moments or I wouldn't get through them. Once it was all over and the busy days slowed down though, the weight of everything hit me really hard for about a week or so. I can only hope they are looking down on me and are so proud of how much I've gone through and how strong I've become. They'd probably also tell me it's time to move on and find more joy in my life, and I agree, it's time.

A "lighter?" Note on Philly Sports

As summer is in full swing, I’ve been watching my Philadelphia Phillies of course. I had high hopes they would have a strong second half of the season, but at the moment they are playing horribly. Hopefully they get it together, but I'm sure they will find a new fun way to completely destroy the season in typical Philly fashion, but that's the fun roller coaster of Philly sports. The Eagles season will be here before we know it, and the Sixers aren’t far behind (I'm still in disbelief at the sixers offseason, and trying to contain my optimism a bit still haha). I love early fall when all 3 teams are going at once for a short time (assuming Phillies make the playoffs). We shall see what happens!

Go Phils! Go Sixers! Go Birds!

Goal for Remainder of the Year

New no lash me

I’m obviously not stopping now with my weight loss. My next goal is just to be consistently under 170 pounds by the end of summer, and then to keep going in the right direction as we move through the rest of the year. More importantly, the rest of this year is more about trying to embrace who I am more, ADHD and all, and finding strength in that truth, with fewer regrets. Thankful for the cancer me who decided to kick ass in weight loss not long after treatment ended, and decided enough was enough. I know I couldn't likely have done it if I were still on Tamoxifen, so I suppose maybe it's one of those blessings in disguise that my Oncotype score was so high that I needed to remove my ovaries and switch medications. I am a firm believer, and I tell people in my line of work often, that you may not know why you are going through what you are going through in the moment, but you will always look back and say that everything had to happen just as it did, for everything in your life to be exactly as it is or will be. It led you to the right time, right people, and everything you became. You change some of those pieces, even the worst days, and the good moments and current course, may not have happened.

As I've said before, progress and change isn't linear. If you’re on a journey of your own, whether it’s health, mental wellness, or coping with loss, remember that it isn’t always a straight line to get from where you are to where you want to be. It’s ok to have hard days. It's ok to not be perfect. Keep moving forward, celebrate the wins, and lean on those who support you. I can't stress the support enough. They will ultimately be the ones who pick you up when you fall down and will help you get back up and carry you until you find strength again. They will also be the ones who celebrate with you along the way and encourage you to keep going. I will probably never understand what I did to deserve such great friends and support here in Minnesota, but I am so thankful, and will never take it for granted.

Until next time.......