Finding My Way Back: Embracing Change Through Weight Loss, Grief, and Growth

Life has been hard. It’s been a while since I've updated my blog or my step tracker, largely due to a period of depression that held me down for a few weeks. However, I'm here fighting my way back to me. I'm feeling more optimistic than I have in quite a while, and I hope it lasts. I feel like I am truly now changing into the person I always wanted to be.

As part of this change, I’ve made significant changes in my routine. I've done a couple sessions with a personal trainer, started playing pickleball weekly, and rekindled my love for dancing in the basement. I used to enjoy dancing so much, and it feels so nice to bring that joy back into my life, and not force myself to just go through the motions, as I had done for quite a while. This combination is hopefully my jumpstart, a way to break free from the plateau I found myself on both physically and emotionally.

While my weight remains the same as it was a couple of months ago, I find comfort in not having gained weight, as that is often the result when you stop focusing on yourself. Maintaining my weight is a small victory, especially considering the emotional challenges I’ve faced.

First 1 on 1 personal trainer session

Engaging in these activities has not only helped my physical health but also allowed me to see my friends more, and in a different setting. For those who haven’t tried pickleball yet, I highly recommend it! It’s a great way to get active and have fun with friends. According to a recent survey, 61% of pickleball players reported feeling less stressed after playing. Plus, it’s never too late to pick up a new hobby! Oh no, have I become a pickleball addict? haha

My Phillies pickleball paddle (did anyone doubt I'd get a Philly paddle of some kind?)

In addition to my fitness journey, I want to share a personal update on my breast surgery—the reduction and lift I had back in March. The recovery was more challenging than I had anticipated. Recovery forced me into moments of stillness when all I wanted was to move. It put me in a dark place where I felt very alone, and I wasn't sure I'd ever come out of that place. Yet, today I am happy with the results and I have no regrets. This decision significantly impacted my self-esteem and body image, but most importantly helped with the physical issues I was having. It’s amazing how physical self-care can ignite our spirit. Duh, right?

As I reflect on my journey over the past few months, I can’t ignore the emotional pain I’ve endured. I'm always open about my mental health, because I hope to help others do the same. There is no shame in telling your story and being vulnerable and asking for the help of others to get you through tough times. I say this maybe too much, but I have no idea where I'd be without my friends. They've gone through so much with me in the last few years and there is no way I could ever repay them for what they've done for my soul.

In just eight days, we will hit the anniversary of Ryan's passing. This time of year is always difficult anyway without this though, as my dad passed away in May back in 2011. and I'm still grieving the absence of Uncle Howard among all of this and every single day, as he's one of the people I'd most want to share my current journey with.

Grief has a way of sneaking in and setting up camp in the corners of my mind. The struggle has intensified recently, especially following my surgery when I was somewhat immobile and left alone with my thoughts. So if you see me the next few weeks and I look to be in my head and far away, I likely am. Sometimes I'll be thinking of the good times and then quickly brought back to the thoughts of their absence and all to come, that they will miss. I could be laughing hysterically one second and crying the next. I'm "riding the wave of grief" as a grief counselor recently told me to do. It helps to not fight it and to let it in and then back out.

In these moments, I remind myself of how Ryan would have wanted me to live, how he'd want all us left behind to live. He would have wanted all of us to grow and move forward, even when it feels impossible. Right now, I’m battling grief and depression. Acknowledging the struggle is the first step in facing it. Facing it is about embracing life’s changes and finding strength in vulnerability.

I’d like to share a quote that resonates with me right now:

"Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”

As I continue toward a healthier me, my commitment to myself is stronger than ever. I hope sharing my experiences can inspire those navigating similar challenges. Let us keep moving forward together, one step at a time.

This was a dancing morning

Thank you for being part of my journey. Your support means the world to me and helps me to keep coming back and to refocus whenever I fall down. I look forward to sharing more updates on my progress (hopefully more frequently). Remember, even during our hardest moments, there’s always a spark of hope waiting to be ignited.

Fight the good fight and never give up. Until next time.....